Friday, April 24, 2015

And our family is complete!

Mason Henry Hinderks is here!  On April 8th, we welcomed (surprisingly) Mason into our family.  We had a C-section scheduled for April 24th but my body had other plans.  I had been dealing with high blood pressure for a few weeks.  I went in for an routine appointment on April 2nd and my doctor was not pleased with my blood pressure so she sent me in to the hospital to have a non stress test done.  I had done quite a few of those with Carter so I knew what to expect.  As I was leaving her office to head to the hospital though she asked me if I had eaten breakfast.  I replied yes and asked why.  She said because you might be having a baby today.  Huh.  That was a little surprising.  However, things looked pretty good for the test and she said to just go home and be on modified bed rest.  That still makes me giggle since I have two young kids at home.  But I did the best I could.  One week later (April 8th) I went back in for another routine check.  She checked my blood pressure first thing (174/110) and then responded with "you are having a baby today."  She told me it was more dangerous to keep Mason in at that point then to get him out 3 weeks and 2 days early.  So I walked out of the office, made a few phone calls (like my husband who was working) and drove to the hospital.  I was checked in by about 12:30 pm and at 5:15ish they walked me back to the operating room.  At 5:54 pm I heard the beautiful cry of my sweet baby boy and seconds later he was placed on my chest.  I got to hold him for at least 20 minutes while the doctor finished me up.  This was the first baby that they let me hold immediately.  The hospital is allowing it now as a new way of doing C-sections.  I loved it.  It took all of my fear and anxiety away as I laid there being stitched back up to hold my baby in my arms.  He was perfect. 

Mason weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces and was 19.5 inches long.  He was healthy and ready to come out.  Praise the Lord.  I was worried about his lungs since he was so early but he was perfect. Carter and Madelynn were so excited to meet him and loved holding him whenever they could.  The delivery was smooth and easy and probably my easiest surgery so far.  Recovery has been a little harder but the actual C-section went great.  Mason is already 16 days old.  The first 12 days or so he slept probably 22 out of the 24 hours in each day.  He nursed great right from the beginning and slept through the night except when we would wake him up to feed him.  He was super sleepy from being so early and little.  But he latched perfect right away and has been a good eater (when he can stay awake) the whole time.  This week he is starting to wake up a lot more during the day and night which is making night time a little less enjoyable for me.  Last night he woke up every two hours all night long to eat.  It takes at least 30 minutes to feed each time so I was getting short bouts of sleep in between each feeding.  Having a newborn is not for the faint of heart.  But he is precious.  He has such a sweet spirit about him.  He is calm and snuggly and doesn't cry that often.  He has my heart and the heart of anyone who holds him.  He is just the sweetest! 

We are so thankful he is here!  Today was the day I was supposed to be having him.  It is crazy to think that I should be in the hospital right now delivering my baby and yet he is already 16 days old.  I am so thankful for God's plan and his amazing protection over my family.  Mason officially completes our family and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment in that.  I know that feeling is only from the Lord because I have wanted four kids my entire life.  And yet, today, in this moment, I know that our family is complete and I do not feel sad about that.  I am rejoicing in the fact that God has given us three beautiful healthy children and for that I am unbelievable grateful! 

I'll be back soon to post about Carter and Madelynn's birthdays! 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

7 Months!!

Exactly two months from today I will be holding my sweet baby boy, Mason!  I can't wait!  I am very large, so large that many people ask me if I'm due any day or if I'm about to pop.  Nope, two more months I tell them.  I love people's reaction to that!  They just can't believe that I'm only 30 weeks!  Hilarious.  I don't care though.  I LOVE my belly.  Mason moves all the time.  My favorite moment of this pregnancy so far was the other night.  Jay and I were just laying in bed with his hand over my belly feeling everything Mason was doing.  So many times when I Jay finally is able to feel for movement, Mason stops.  Such a stinker.  But when we can just lay there for a long period of time Jay gets to feel so much movement.  By far the best part of pregnancy.  Love feeling my baby moving around. 

He is still measuring right on track.  I don't have gestational diabetes, yay!  Already dealing with terrible circulation in my right hand/arm.  Excruciatingly painful at night.  I have already spent my first night out on the couch :(  It's a little early for that but it does seem to help.  The C-section should be scheduled for April 24th as long as the hospital approves that.  We did maternity pictures this weekend and the five that I have seen are wonderful!  I am so thankful I have done pictures of each pregnancy.  I wish I could post pictures on here right now to show my belly but I still haven't gotten that figured out yet.  Too much on my plate right now to work on that.  Hopefully soon though.

There's a quick update on our baby! 

And get this...Carter is turning five in two days.  What?!?!?  Crazy!  I am excited beyond belief to celebrate my sweet Carter man and the precious five years on this earth he has had.  Love that kid!   

Monday, February 23, 2015

Fear is Tricky

In my last post I briefly mentioned a post coming soon about fear and how fear has been a deep part of my life in the last year.  Fear is tricky.  Fear is annoying.  Fear is yucky.  And most importantly, fear is NOT from the Lord.  I have had two sweet friends tell me so profoundly recently that God does NOT give us the spirit of fear.  I needed to hear those words more than I realized and it has made a profound difference in my life in the last few weeks.  Even writing about this topic almost gives me a feeling of fear because it is so deeply personal and even somewhat irrational.  But I feel like it is probably something many people go through but often do not talk about.  I know this blog is mostly only read by my mom (and maybe a couple other family members) but I feel the urge to put in writing the feelings I have had recently.  I am absolutely believing without a shadow of a doubt that God will get me through this time in my life where fear is closely felt and show me through to the other side of it.  And to have my thoughts in writing would make it all the more amazing to see what God did in my life.  And maybe it could help just one person who struggles with feelings of fear as well.

I have never been a person who lives in fear.  I think I am a fairly rational and logical thinker and have always felt pretty calm about things in life.  That is until I became a parent.  Ha!  Being a mom sure can bring up fears in a person that they didn't know existed.  However, 2014 was a year of loss for us and I wonder if some of that has a little to do with the fear I have experienced recently.  Losing a baby sure can bring up irrational fears!  It started a couple of months ago when Jay and I decided to book tickets to fly to Iowa without our kids.  They were planning on having an auction to sell his Dad's farm equipment and tools and we liked the idea of being there to be a part of it and support the family anyway we could.  As soon as we purchased those tickets however, I felt this overwhelming feeling of fear...okay, folks, are you ready for the irrational part of my fear to be admitted to right now?  I felt this overwhelming feeling of fear that our plane was going to crash and our kids would no longer have their parents.  The night we bought the tickets I laid awake in bed for hours thinking about this.  I figured these feelings would go away by morning and wasn't extremely concerned about them.  However, they did not go away.  For a few days I felt an anxiousness that I have never felt before and felt like I was constantly thinking about this event taking place and our kids' lives changing forever.  I kept envisioning someone telling our kids that their mama and daddy had died and trying to feel what they might be feeling.  It literally made me want to vomit and I cried over it numerous times.  I don't even like writing these words because the thought of it happening still makes me sick to my stomach.  I was starting to wonder if God was speaking to me in this way and telling me to stay home.  That maybe something really was going to happen and this was His way of telling me not to get on that plane.  Can anyone say ridiculous?  I finally decided to talk to Jay about it.  It was a little hard for him to understand these feelings but he tried to be sympathetic.  This fear and anxiety continued for a while and then I began talking to people about it.  I realized that I could not live in this fear alone and needed wisdom in this area.  I was beginning to make plans that I wasn't going to go and that we were just out that $350.  But then God brought beautiful people into this with me who gave me so much wisdom and insight into who God is.  And I began to feel a super, teeny, tiny glimmer of peace. 

I AM going to Iowa with Jay in just four days.  I am leaving our kids here at home with wonderful grandparents who will take tremendous care of them while we are gone.  I have been reading my Bible most days (which is a bit new for me in the last few years), I have been reading a wonderful little book called Jesus Calling, with short daily devotionals and have been very encouraged by that, and I have prayed a lot.  After being reminded that God does not give us the spirit of fear, another friend who told me the same thing also reminded me that these feelings of fear are from Satan!  I let Satan take a hold of my heart for a few weeks and he was winning.  And he loved it.  He knew that all he had to do was remind me of airplanes and I turned into an untrusting, anxiety ridden, emotional mess who was one step further away from my heavenly Father.  I wonder today, right now in this moment, if this trip to Iowa has such a bigger and more profound purpose in my life.  This trip to Iowa holds its own amount of fear for me in that we are going there to deal with some sad and hurtful things going on with family that we love dearly and yet I was also dealing with fear of just getting there.  I think God is using this trip to bring me back to Him to the point of needing to cling to Him in order to survive and function each day.  That is why I want this in writing.  Because one day (after I have made it home safely from Iowa) I want to look back at this and praise God for his unfailing love and his mercy on me, a selfish, stubborn, and untrusting sinner. 

I do not want to live in fear.  I only want to fear my Heavenly Father, I want to be in AWE of his goodness and his holiness.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me and God loves my sweet Carter and Madelynn.  He is good.  He wants what is best for me.  Even when I completely forget to trust Him, He still wants me to be happy and blessed.  He wants to bless me.  He is leading me down a beautiful path, with bumps along the way, but a path that will only draw me closer to Him. 

I still let fear get to me from time to time.  I have felt it a little today.  However, that fear is from the devil.  And I refuse to give into it.  Every time I have these feelings I need to open up God's word and draw closer to Him.  I am getting on that airplane in a week trusting that I will land back in Oregon five days later to come home to my beautiful little blessings and be closer to my God than I ever have been before.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

6 Months

Right now I am six months pregnant with our sweet baby BOY, Mason.  That is just over 26 weeks and falling deeply in love with the little person growing inside of me.  This has been a difficult pregnancy in that I have spent a lot of it living in fear.  After going through two miscarriages, one being at 12 weeks along, it is easy to get focused on that and not on the life that is growing.  I haven't taken very many belly pictures this time along or really blogged/documented anything about my pregnancy.  Which greatly saddens me and yet I feel as though it was a coping mechanism for me to get through this pregnancy.  But I can honestly say that I LOVE this little boy inside of me.  The joy I feel when I think about holding him in my arms gives me chills and tears every single time I think about it.  I cannot wait to meet this little man.  He is completing our family and making us feel whole again after our earlier loss.  Jay told me long after we lost our last baby that he was content with two.  As soon as we found out we lost that sweet baby he felt like our family was not complete and that we were missing someone.  Mason Henry is who we have been missing and we are so grateful for this growing baby.  We have officially come up with his name.  Mason Henry Hinderks.  Mason is a name that we have just loved for a long time.  And Henry is Jay's dad's middle name.  We are so excited to be honoring Jay's dad in that way and that part of his name will forever be a part of one of our kids.  It breaks my heart every day that he will never get to meet Mason this side of Heaven but we are so thankful for the Grandpa that he was to Carter and Madelynn and look forward to the day we get to be with him again. 

Oh pregnancy...pregnancy is hard.  Especially with two little ones to continue to take care of.  I feel tired all the time.  I do not ever remember feeling this tired with the other two this far into pregnancy.  The first trimester is always sketchy but after about 13 weeks my energy usually comes back and I feel great for a while.  Not this time around.  Thank you third pregnancy :)  My body feels weak and tired all the time and I can't ever seem to get enough sleep.  We often go to bed at 9pm and I sleep till 7:30 or 8 and still feel so tired throughout the day.  And naps are a day in the past!  With an almost five year old who doesn't nap anymore and an almost three year old who is boycotting naps most days...ya, naps aren't a reality in my world :)  And that is okay.  I am just so thankful for a healthy pregnancy.  I have had some high blood pressure for the past few weeks but it seems to be doing okay.  We are just watching it at home hoping to keep me off of medication.  So far so good.  My belly is huge.  So much bigger than the last two at this point in pregnancy.  And Mason moves ALL THE TIME!.  I love it!  He is a wiggly little boy which like Carter told me the other day just tells us that he is still alive.  I might have cried when Carter said that to me.  Makes me think that he still thinks about losing his baby brother or sister and that the fear is still real for him just like it is for me that we could still lose this one.  I am trusting the Lord with my son's life though and refuse to live in fear about that anymore.  My next blog will be titled "Fear is Tricky."  Fear seems to be the theme in my life right now and lately but God has been teaching me so much lately about that fear. 

Mason Henry...we can't wait to meet you!  You are bringing our family so much joy following a year of sadness and loss.  We already talk about what life will be like with you in our family and Carter and Madelynn cannot wait to meet their baby brother.  Carter said the other day in the car, "mama, I can't wait to hold Mason."  That about sums it up for all of us.  We can't wait to hold you, kiss you, love on you, snuggle with you, and enjoy who you are. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Funny Madelynn

Madelynn loves to jump to me when I am waiting on her bedroom floor to change her diaper.  She just cannot walk to me.  She must jump.  She thinks it's so funny.  The other day we are in this typical routine...I'm sitting on her bedroom floor waiting patiently while she jumps from the living room to her bedroom.  As she rounds the corner into her room still jumping she said in her sweet cute voice, "this is harder than it looks."  Precious.  So worth sitting in her room waiting for her to jump to me.  And so funny.  Where do kids learn these things?

In other news, tomorrow I am 19 weeks pregnant!  That means two very exciting things.  1. I am almost exactly half way to meeting this precious little one.  2.  We find out if we are having a girl or a boy TOMORROW!!!  We are so excited to know who this baby is growing inside of me.  We have decided to take both of our kids to our ultrasound.  I hope that is the right choice.  I hope they behave and I just pray that our baby is healthy and there is no bad news that has to be delivered in front of them. 

And then on a completely different note...I am so tired.  I don't ever remember feeling this tired this far along into pregnancy with my others.  I guess it could be because I am trying to keep up with two young kids at home while growing a human being inside of me.  Kind of a big deal.  Or the fact that we have busy schedules with church stuff, working here and there, growth groups, friends, keeping up on our house, etc.  Life is busy.  Life can be hard.  Today I have felt a little down as I went about the mundane and normal routine of being a wife and mom.  I actually get angry at myself when I feel down.  I have an amazing husband who loves me dearly, two beautiful healthy funny kids, a wonderfully warm, cozy, small, and old house that I love, great friends and family, a great church, and a Savior who loves me even at my worst.  How could I ever feel down?  But it still happens.  Sometimes I wonder if it is the weather.  As much as I love winter, I do seem to be in better spirits when the sun is shining.  And today especially has been dark and dreary with non stop rain.  I could just chalk it up to that.  And of course I do need to remind myself that I am also growing a human being inside of me that can easily cause my hormones to go wacko.  I suppose it is normal to have a down day in the middle of winter while pregnant.  But I still hate it.  I have so much to be thankful and joyful about.  And it is my favorite time of the year!  I LOVE Christmas and the warmth that it brings.  It occurred to me today though that it is already four days into December and I need to get on top of the fun things I like to do every Christmas.  This year I'm hoping to help the kids make Christmas ornaments for all the grandparents.  And of course there's the cookie making, Christmas light driving, wrapping gifts, singing Christmas songs, watching every Christmas movie possible (thank you Hallmark movie channel), and then the most important...sharing the true story of Christmas with my kids.  My goal this year is to slowly read through the Christmas story straight from the Bible.  Even if it means one verse a night until Christmas.  I haven't figured it out yet but up until this year we have only talked about it and read books that tell the story as a narrative.  It's time to read it straight from God's word and explain each verse to our kids.  I am excited to start that in the next few nights.  So with all that being said...I am tired, but I am blessed.  I am thankful for this life God has given me.  Even on these down days, I choose joy.  I am also thankful for this blog.  It is a place for me to write my feelings about my down day today and it is helping me choose joy. 

I did start another blog with a different blogging site but I don't like it.  So I am still working on things.  I have a friend who told me I just need to resize my pictures to put them in this blog.  I laughed at him and said would you like to do that for me?  He said of course.  So as soon as I can find some time to take our computer over to him to mess around with, I will hopefully have this blog back up and running fully again!   

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Where has the last year gone?

I have been basically ignoring this blog for the last year.  This fact actually saddens me greatly and I am making a commitment to myself that I am getting back on here, with or without pictures.  I am looking into some other options for a new blog so that I can start posting pictures again but until then, I will write our story.  I have thousands of pictures and always will have them.  But I will not remember all of the details of my life with my husband and kids and I absolutely must document as much as I can.  I know I LOVE going back and reading my old posts and I hope that one day our kids will love it just as much as I do.  I just now went back and read my post about losing our baby and cried through the whole thing.  I am so thankful to have our family story documented here in this blog.  I know a few family members read it but other than that it is for us.  My little family of four and any others God blesses us with in the future.  I have no idea how I am going to recap everything that has happened this year but I am going to try.  And it will take a few posts to do. 

I would consider this year the year of tragedy.  I don't want to sound dramatic but it really has been a year filled with sadness.  Of course, every moment with our kids brings us joy but along with that joy has been great loss. 

But before I go into any of that can I say something sweet about my sensitive Carter man?  Boy, do I love that kid!  His preschool teacher talked to me last week about something that had happened during show and tell.  Carter was showing his fire truck (what else would our guy bring for show and tell?) and another little boy kept interrupting him and talking about Carter's fire truck.  He even corrected Carter for saying fire engine and told him it was called a fire truck.  The teacher has a rule that you do not get to talk while someone is sharing their show and tell so she asked him to stop and let Carter talk.  He didn't and even gave the teacher a really sassy look.  So she had him sit in time out and he didn't get to share his show and tell that day.  When the teacher told the kids they were all done with show and tell, Carter was extremely sad that Noah didn't get to show his and immediately told his teacher that Noah needed to go before they were done.  She explained why he didn't get to and she said Carter was very sad for his friend Noah.  I know this isn't a big deal but to me it was a little glimpse into his sweet heart that I have always hoped and prayed for in my sons someday.  I know Carter is sweet and cares so much about others and that was another example of that.  It melted me. 

Anyway, this year...
Just in 2014 we have lost Jay's uncle Dave to a brain tumor, my Grandma, our baby, my uncle Don to a massive heart attack, and Jay's dad to liver cancer.  Isn't that a lot in one year?  Neither one of us have ever dealt with loss in this way before.  I do want to talk about each one of these losses and the impact on our family and our lives but I probably won't go into it yet in this post.  It has just been a really rough year in general and we are looking forward to a new year (in just a few weeks) and hoping that our loss is over with for a while. 

In happy news though we also found out this year that we are expecting another baby again!  I am 16 weeks pregnant with baby number 3 (although this is pregnancy number 5) and we are anxiously awaiting for spring to bring this baby into the world.  After losing our last baby at 12 weeks this has been a very long and anxiety driven pregnancy.  But we have had an ultrasound and we heard the baby's heartbeat at 13 weeks so we have hope that this baby will continue growing and be in our arms at the end of April 2015.  We are so thankful that I am able to get pregnant easily and that I know I can carry healthy babies to full term.  We now just wait patiently and pray a lot for this life growing inside of me.  We didn't tell our kids about this one until I was almost 12 weeks and we had already had an ultrasound.  I just couldn't handle the thought of putting them through that again. 

Well, I think that's all for now!  But I will be back to post more about our year very soon. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

There really is no great title for this post...

I feel like it is finally time to write this post.  As hard as the last few weeks have been for us I want to write this story and share my feelings on what we have been through.  I won't have the most eloquent words or perfect way of expressing my thoughts but I want it in writing for our family to be able to read for years to come.  We went through something traumatic and life changing.  It has definitely changed me.  I learned some things and I have allowed myself to grieve while trusting the Lord and His perfect plan for our family.  It is easy to be angry.  It is easy to blame myself.  It is easy to ask God why.  I have done and felt all three of those but I also feel a sense of peace.  I do trust God.  I trust He will heal all of us which I am already seeing in us now and I trust that He will complete our family in the perfect way.  I also hope that this post could be encouragement to someone who has gone through something similar.

At 12 weeks pregnant we lost our baby.  This precious baby, who we will never meet this side of Heaven, was already loved by so many.  We were anticipating what our family would be like as a family of five and planning all that comes along with adding another member to our family.  We had names floating around in our heads and we had two sweet little kids anxiously awaiting mommy's belly to grow and to eventually meet their new sibling.  I was dreaming of bedroom arrangements and seeing both of my kids meet this little one.  We were so excited that God was blessing us with another one to call our own. 

We found out right away that we were pregnant on March 27th.  I had envisioned us waiting to tell our kids for a few weeks to make sure I got through the early miscarriage stage.  I had miscarried once before at five weeks and wanted to avoid our kids going through that with us if it happened again.  However, we were so excited we just couldn't wait.  We told them right away and made all the phone calls to the parents.  Everyone knew this news was coming.  We were ready to have another baby.  Our kids seemed excited but of course it is a hard concept to fully grasp at such a young age.

A few days after we took the test, I started bleeding.  Of course I assumed right away we were miscarrying.  I won't go into too many details because I shared this part of the story in an earlier post.  Over the next three weeks we did everything we could to find out what was going on.  The initial doctors appointment to confirm miscarriage actually gave us some hope because my blood levels were rising like they would with a healthy pregnancy.  We were so excited and hopeful for a healthy pregnancy.  Of course, a few days later I started bleeding again and went back in for more lab work.  This time we added an ultrasound as well that was very inconclusive and only made everyone, including the doctor more confused.  We continued with more lab work and a second ultrasound a week later which showed a wonderful little heartbeat and a baby growing in exactly the right place.  We were ecstatic.  We spent that afternoon calling and texting everyone who knew and sharing our great news.  After three weeks of uncertainty we knew we had a lot of people praying for us and praying for our baby.  At seven weeks it looked as if everything was going great and I had real peace that everything was going to be okay.  My OBGYN felt comfortable waiting until my 12 week appointment to see me and we continued on with our daily lives.  I had the normal morning sickness although I will admit it was the easiest first trimester I had ever had so far.  Still not fun, but easier than the first two pregnancies.  I was still quite nauseous most of the day but it was manageable.  I was thankful for that.

At 12 weeks, one day pregnant we were finally going to go to the doctor and hear our baby's heart beat.  This is one of my favorite appointments during pregnancy, the first time I can hear that beating heart confirming that I have a life growing inside of me.  My previous OB retired so I was seeing a new one for this baby.  We went in for our appointment the afternoon before we were supposed to be flying to Iowa for two weeks.  I did all of the paperwork and then went back and met the doctor.  I liked her a lot and will continue to see her for the next pregnancy.  She explained all that we would do and than had me lay back to listen to the heartbeat.  She tried for quite a while and couldn't find it so she suggested we do the rest of the exam and then try again when she was done.  I had a little bit of a sinking feeling but she was telling us that it happens and not to be concerned yet.  As soon as she was done with everything else she calmly just said she wanted to send us in for an ultrasound at Salem Radiology, just down the street.  This had me extremely concerned while Jay was a bit aggravated that she wasn't trying again.  Of course, after all of the medical bills we had acquired in the first three weeks of pregnancy we weren't exactly wanting to add more.  However, I was already convinced something was wrong and we were going in for that ultrasound no matter what.  I had to know.  She never once said that she was concerned but that she just wanted to have it done to be sure.  I knew that at 12 weeks pregnant she should have easily found a heartbeat.  We were able to hear our other babies heartbeats quickly and easily at eight weeks.  I knew something was wrong.  Thankfully we only had to drive a couple blocks to Salem Radiology and were called back for our ultrasound fairly quickly.  They were squeezing us in at the last minute because we were supposed to be flying to Iowa the next morning.

I laid down on the table as the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly.  Within probably 30 seconds she said "unfortunately I am not finding a heartbeat."  She spent the next few minutes continuing to search and trying to measure things.  My arm was over my eyes most of the time so I saw nothing.  Of course I was crying and trying to process what this meant.  I kept thinking that I wanted to walk out of that room, come back in and start over.  This just wasn't happening and maybe if we started over things would be different.  I would lay back down and she would hear a beautiful heartbeat and tell us that we had a perfect baby growing inside of me.  Of course I am a realist and knew that none of that was going to happen and that even if we started over nothing would change.  Jay and I spent probably 20 more minutes or so in that little dark room and just cried together.  Eventually our tech came in and said she had to clean the room for the end of the night and we had to go out to the waiting room to wait for my doctor to call me to discuss our options.

Well, I wrote the first part of the story above a couple months ago, was going to continue writing later, and just never did.  So I am back to finish the story two months later.  I want this story documented for myself and my family but it feels odd to be finishing the story four months after if happened.  But it is important to finish it. 

We left our ultrasound room and had to wait in the waiting room until my doctor called me to talk about our plan.  Thankfully she called pretty quick because the last thing I wanted was to sit out in the waiting room crying.  I immediately asked her if I had to have a D&C and she responded with a yes, absolutely.  I was too far along for our baby to pass on its own.  She would have to remove our baby.  I had a friend that had been through a D&C procedure a few years back and I just remember how horrible it was for her.  I was devastated and so scared.  And we were supposed to be flying to Iowa in the morning and we had no idea what to do at that point.  I asked her what could happen if we just flew to Iowa as planned and when my body showed signs of ending the pregnancy we could go into the ER and have it taken care of there.  She said I could but that she absolutely could not recommend that and that my risk of bleeding too much and things getting very bad were quite high.  She highly recommended we postpone our trip and have the procedure done in the next day or too.  So we went home, told my mom the news, and then Jay got on the phone immediately with the airline to see what we could do.  He was on hold forever but after about two hours finally talked to someone.  They were amazing and gave us whatever we needed at no additional cost.  We were so thankful to hear that.  After that was taken care of we called my doctor and told her to go ahead and schedule the procedure.  She was able to schedule it for two days later.  We found out on a Wednesday, scheduled the D&C for Friday and our flight for Saturday morning.

The rest of that evening was a bit of a blur.  Our kids were acting out and fighting a lot and I was taking care of it by myself because Jay was on hold with the airline.  I realized I needed to feed them dinner so I ran down the street to Jimmy Johns and we ate out in the front yard.  It was while we were eating that we told our kids that our baby went to be with Jesus in Heaven.  Carter kept asking why our baby died.  It is so difficult trying to answer a question when I don't have an answer.  We made many phone calls that night and sent out a lot of texts telling people our news.  Friends were offering help and prayer like crazy.  We were well taken care of!  We had lunches and dinners for the next two days that we were in town.  We were so blessed by our friends during those couple of days.  The next morning we let Carter go to his last day of preschool.  He was going to miss it because of Iowa but since we were still in town we let him go.  He needed something fun and to get away from his mommy who couldn't stop crying.  We also had to finish packing and getting ready for Iowa because I didn't know what the procedure and recovery would be like on Friday.  It was a hard day but we felt loved and were well taken care of.

Friday morning my mom stayed with our kids and we headed in for our procedure.  She took them to our friends house later in the morning so that she could come down to the hospital.  We waited out in the waiting room for quite a while which was very frustrating since I was just waiting for something terrible to happen.  Finally went back and did all the routine prep stuff before going into surgery.  I was put under which I was extremely thankful for.  I didn't want to know anything that was happening.  Eventually they wheeled me back and then next thing I knew, I was being woke up in a completely different room.  I was then wheeled into the recovery room where they tried to get me to stand up.  They walked me into the bathroom where I immediately felt terrible and thought I was going to pass out.  I will not go into any details about the next couple hours because it was pretty awful.  It comes down to that I lost way too much blood and my blood pressure kept dropping every time I sat up.  What should have been a two hour recovery ended up taking more than six hours.  I was there way longer than expected.  I was finally able to get up and walk and we were home about 4pm.  Worst day of my life.  Literally.  It doesn't seem right to go into a hospital and have your baby taken out of you and leaving with no baby.  I told Jay that there was no sadder feeling in that moment thinking about them taking our baby out of me and throwing him or her in the garbage.  I am sorry for saying that but it is what I was feeling and thinking so much that day.  By the time we got home I was feeling fairly good physically, just a little weak and tired.  We finished packing, sent our kids to my dad's so we could have a quiet evening to recover, and even spent the night at my mom's.  We had friends staying at our house starting the night and we didn't want to back out on them so we just went to my mom's.  I had offered our house to them back when we thought we were going to be in Iowa while they were here visiting.  I am so thankful they were still able to stay at our house and not have to pay for a hotel.  It all worked out. 

We got up at 3am the next morning, drove to the airport and flew to Iowa.  Crazy.  I am so glad I had those ten days in Iowa to grieve while being busy and distracted with our family.  I was sad but was also able to enjoy our trip.  My body went back to normal fairly quickly and eventually the pain from our tragedy grew less and less intense.  I still think about our baby often, even now four months later but I feel like I have healed and have peace about God's perfect plan for our family.  I know there was a reason, one I won't understand this side of Heaven, but I am okay with that.  We loved that baby so much and I have hope that one day I will see that baby in Heaven.